


What If I Can't?

by Phanhasthetardis (orphan_account)



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-08
Updated: 2017-02-09
Packaged: 2018-09-22 19:58:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,299
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9623189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Phanhasthetardis
Summary: James Madison has social anxiety. Thomas Jefferson is the only person who can help him with panic attacks...





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> wowowow people like my writings thanks ily

Thomas Jefferson was truly obnoxious in many ways. When I first walked into my new dorm, he was wearing all pink. Head to toe. Even his shoes were pink? How do you even get pink shoes to fit a guy that was like 6’3?  
Also, he was bloody rich. When I walked in he had already half decorated his half of the room. It was decked. Expensive concert posters. Plane tickets to everywhere arranged in a collage.   
And he had a heck ton of journals. Like a lot. They were on many things. Schedules, a book of questions, diaries, poetry.   
He turned around and looked at me. He said, “Hi! I’m Thomas! I guess we’re going to be roommates!” He gave me a firm handshake and continued decorating.  
I think that’s what he said. I couldn’t focus. He was gorgeous. Like he had warm, big brown eyes that smiled when he smiled. He had curls that filled the air almost as much as his words. He was tall, and his voice was as smooth as the magenta velvet coat he had on.  
I made my way to the bed and began unpacking all of my things. I was very proud of the box I made in my senior year of high school. It was especially good because it held all of the medicine that I use quite frequently. I had just made my bed and put everything else underneath it when some guy walked in. He was wearing a green sweater with gray dress pants. He casually leaned into the doorway and said, “Hey. Just thought I’d let y’all know that I’m living next door, so if you need anything hit me up.” With that, he walked away. Thomas and I exchanged looks. Mere seconds after leaving he rushed back to the door and said, Oh yeah. My name’s Aaron Burr.” He laughed nervously and walked away rubbing his neck.   
“Just by that encounter I’m guessing he doesn’t have many friends.” We laughed. Oh my gosh he was so pretty.   
No. I just met him. He could be a total brat! He probably was one judging by the shade of pink he was wearing and the decorations he had.   
I’m not going to develop a schoolboy crush on some random guy. I sat down on my bed and thought. Most likely he and I were going to be friends since we were roommates. That’s all. Just friends.  
“Do you wanna go get McDonald’s or something for dinner?” Thomas looked at me and smirked thoughtfully.   
“Um… yeah sure. Can we invite that Aaron Burr kid since he probably doesn’t have any friends like you said?” 

 

We got back and ate in our apartment. Thomas got two big macs. He ate them all without hesitation. Aaron got a salad. He didn’t eat it though. I got the vibe he was trying to eat better but it was failing. I got two cheeseburgers. We each got milkshakes. As the night progressed, I realized a few things. Aaron Burr indeed didn’t have many friends but he was amiable, so we all agreed to be a squad. When he left, Thomas and I agreed that he was third-wheeling us. We laughed about it, but I still felt butterflies when he mentioned it.   
We fell asleep eventually. He fell asleep before me. It was bliss. I counted his freckles. I wanted to run my fingers through his hair.   
Something fell in the apartment next door, followed by Aaron Burr yelling “SORRY!” Thomas didn’t wake throughout the whole thing. You know what this meant?  
I fell asleep with my hands threw his hair and on his freckles.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please leave a comment if you liked it i'm an attention hoe

We woke up at the same time. We looked at each other.   
We were holding hands in our sleep. My hand was cupping his cheek, and his hand was intertwined with mine. I pulled my hand back and sat up quickly. Thomas pulled his hand back and gave me a disapproving look.   
I pretended it was weird too.  
“Sorry. I take up a lot of room when I sleep. I probably was just stretching in my sleep.” He sat up and muttered, “It’s fine. I do the same thing sometimes.” We laughed about it a little.   
The morning light hit his face. He looked like an angel. His brown eyes turned a gold in the sunlight. He looked out the window and checked his watch.   
“It’s 9:23. Wanna go get something for breakfast?”   
I looked at him and raised an eyebrow. “Why are you constantly asking me to go get food?”   
He smiled. He smiled. “Well if we’re going to be best friends, we might as well bond, eh?”  
I got up and got dressed. I chose my red sweater and dark sweatpants. Thomas was wearing a pink sport jacket with matching jogging pants. Heck, he even had pink sneakers.   
As we made our way to the cafe, Aaron Burr ran up behind us. “Hey guys! Do you mind if I tag along since I’m both lonely and needy?”   
We let him come. 

Debate club seemed like a good decision at the time. Jefferson, Burr and I all agreed to join together. Thomas is amazing at arguing. Burr’s pretty good, and he’s educated on a ton of topics. I would rather just watch Thomas and Alexander argue.   
As the meetings became more frequent, I found myself becoming sort of Thomas’s wingman. I did stick to him a lot, but I was to nervous to socialize with anyone else.   
We went around to our classes more, and I eventually got used to being attached to Thomas at the hip. The only class I had without Jefferson was Historical Literature. He had French.  
I sat in the back corner, trying to evade from everyone’s view. Aaron was texting me from his history class about how interesting everything was. 

<< nerd >> BUT LIKE DID YOU KNOW THAT THE QUEENS ACTUALLY DID HELP THE KINGS LIKE YEAH WOMAN POWER  
<< has a cold >> thats nice aaron  
<< nerd >> DID YOU KNOW ANNE FRANK WAS BISEXUAL  
<< has a cold >> thats pretty cool   
<< nerd >> AND LOUISA MAY ALCOTT WAS PROBABLY BISEXUAL TOO  
<< has a cold >> what are you even doing in class  
<< nerd >> idk like ancient chinese tradings its boring af lol  
<< has a cold >> get back to class  
<< nerd >> k bye lol

“James.”   
I looked around. Everyone was staring at me. I lost my breath. I muttered, “What?” The room was closing in.   
“You were asked to introduce yourself, James.”   
“Oh… um… ok.” I stood up. I was shaking. A little voice in my head whispered they’re all judging you. “I-I’m James Madison. Uhh… I’m majoring in political philosophy.” My stomach was really turning now. “Uh… I need to leave for a minute.”  
I grabbed my bag and ran back to my dorm.   
I slammed my bag down and cried into my pillow. I couldn’t breathe. I was shaking. All I could think of was everyone staring at me. Judging me. I did the only thing I thought to do. I called Thomas.  
“T-Thomas?”  
“Hey man. Did you need something?”  
“I-I’m having a panic attack. P-Please h-h-help-”  
He hung up. The jerk. I didn’t know what to do. I sat my phone down. I looked down. All of them looking at me. They probably all hated me. I sounded so stupid.  
Thomas burst into the room. He tackled me and gave me a hug. He put his chest to mine and took deep breaths. Our breathing got into sync, which caused me to calm down. He backed up and sat in front of me on my bed.   
“Tell me some things you see,” he said softly.   
I took a deep breath. “I see the wall, and the bed c-covers, and…” He was inches from my face. “I see you.”   
He smiled. His eyes smiled too. “What’re some things you can feel?”   
“I… uh… can feel the sheets. And my sweater. And your arms…”   
He smiled again. Thomas gave me another hug and whispered, “Are you okay now?”  
“Yeah. Thanks.” I pulled away. “Did you really run from French just to make sure I was okay?”   
“Of course I did. What’re friends for?”

That night I could only think about a few things. His arms on mine. His chest on mine. The inches between our faces. What would have happened if we made those inches smaller. The way the sunshine hit his face.   
All night I tried to convince myself not to love him. All night my instincts whispered to me, “You love him. You love him.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pretty please can i have a comment it would make my day even better

We woke up at the same time, just like that day we woke up with my hands on his face. The only difference being that his hands were on my arm. We brushed it off lighter than the last time. Also like last time, however, I still got butterflies.   
Like usual, Jefferson asked me to go get food.   
“Hey do you wanna go get some burgers or something?”   
Again? “Sure just as long as it’s not Five Guys.”   
He laughed. “Man, I love Five Guys.” He sighed. “I guess we can settle on Red Robin.”  
“I’ll go get Aaron, okay?”   
He was busy getting his things together. “Nah, he has a huge project due. We can go alone. Just the two of us.”

I don’t remember much of the night. It was either a) because I got really drunk or b) I was too focused on Thomas to focus on anything else.   
I could remember the way the light hit his eyes. I could remember him laughing and us downing a bunch of shots. I remember us walking back home in the moonlight. I remember us laying down together and-  
Oh no.   
I sat up. It was morning. I looked around for Thomas, and he was laying down next to me. In my bed. He was starting to stir now. As silently as I could, I got up and tried to get dressed while Thomas was rolling around half awake.   
I managed to get my pants on by the time he woke up. He rolled over and checked his watch. “I don’t remember last night so I’m assuming it was wild.” He laughed deliriously and fell back. Oh, another thing. Neither of us had shirts on for some reason.   
I wasn’t complaining.

Once we were all dressed (don’t ask me about having to dress Thomas while having a hangover), he, Aaron, and I all met up Aaron’s room. Aaron laying on his bed in sweatpants on his phone. Thomas was looking through all of his homework. I was not-so-secretly using up all of his tissues because of my cold.   
Thomas checked his phone and said, “Hey guys my next class is in like 10 minutes so I’m going to start heading over. See ya.” He walked out and shut the door behind him.   
Aaron immediately turned his head and said, “You and Thomas hooked up last night, right?”   
My stomach dropped. Me and Thomas? Having sex?   
“What would make you think that?” I mumbled.   
He looked at his phone casually and said, “Oh, you know. Just that you and Tom got home at about two last night. You were all over each other when you were going to your room. And the noises were rather-”  
“OKAY I GET THE PICTURE AARON THANKS!”  
Oh no. I don’t remember anything. Thomas didn’t remember anything.   
“What do you mean… all over each other?”   
“Oh, you know, just hugging… some kissing… the lot…”   
“WE KISSED?!” I yelled that a little too loud.   
“Yeah. You two were like falling down the hallway and it was really cute.”  
Oh no.   
It’s okay. We didn’t remember anything.   
At least, that’s what I told Aaron.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> imma be posting some of my darker fanfiction muahahahaha

It all started with a dream.   
It was light, airy, like I was floating. It was just me and Thomas. He was wearing all white. I smiled. This must have been heaven.   
We walked towards each other. A pang of doubt sounded in my mind. I ignored it. What was there to be worried about. Another pang. Literally. When I worried, black pulsed into my mind. Thomas fell, and I fell, and we kept falling, falling, falling.   
I tried not to let it consume me.  
But little thoughts came to me.   
“Thomas hates you.”  
“He probably remembers what happens.”  
“What if you can’t have him?”  
I started to cry, and I fell onto the ground. I needed Thomas. He kept our secrets. He helped me get out of panic attacks.   
I couldn’t have him. We were just friends. Were we?   
The voices got louder.  
“What if you can’t have him?”  
“What if you can’t have him?”  
What if you can’t have him?  
I woke up, sweating and shaking. Thomas was sitting on my bed and said, “Do you want help?” He leaned in to hug me, but I quickly got up. I was still shaking.   
“James? Are you okay?”  
“N-no.”   
And with that I ran to Aaron’s room next door. I was a crying, shaking, fragile mess. Aaron saw me running in, and dropped his phone. He ran over and hugged me. “Oh my goodness James. What’s wrong?”  
I could barely breathe between my sobs. “I...dreamt… that I… couldn’t… love… Thomas… and… it was... “ I broke down crying into Aaron’s shoulder. He looked me in the eye and said, “Turn around.”  
I did as he said, and Thomas was standing there. It was truly him, with his pink pajamas and giant hair. I almost laughed.   
“Is this really how you’ve felt about me this whole time?”   
I nodded.   
I don’t know what came over me. I let go of Aaron and ran towards him. He took me into his arms and in that moment I knew that it would all be okay.


End file.
